Únor 2016

XII. Lazy half-drunk days

29. února 2016 v 22:14
well,
některé věci jsou špatně nenapravitelným způsobem. a další jsou prostě jenom špatně.
moc mě těší, když mám něčí pozornost.. tak jako včera. vlastně se vůbec neznáme, ale díky. nevím, co to k sobě poutá poloopilé lidi, ale cítila jsem se fajn.
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jenže pak nastoupím do nočního autobusu a první věc, co udělám je, že zkontroluju, jestli nemám novou zprávu. od jediného člověka, u kterého mi na takové zprávě záleží. absurdní je, že ta party byla jen kousek od jeho bytu. a já se toulala nočními ulicemi a říkala si, kdybys jen na chvíli vyšel ven.
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Ale co by to vlastně pak bylo? pozdrav, bezeslovné zírání, ignor? nemůžu se opakovat.
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stejně nás zřejmě s těmi lidmi nic než fajn momenty nespojuje. je to odvážná myšlenka "s někým si znovu začít", ale proč tomu aspoň nedat šanci? ale ptal se mě na můj fb a doteď po něm není ani stopa. škoda.
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Image de quote, love, and book
Doufala jsem, že věci, co píšu, budou časem dávat smysl, ale není to pro mě lehké.
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nádherný večer, spousta drinků a blízkost. na blízkosti strašně záleží, i kdyby to mělo být jen kvůli tomu, aby s vámi měl kdo počkat na další noční autobus při pití příliš slabého kafe v nonstop McDonaldu.
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a vůbec, večer zahájený džusem s vodkou ještě nikdy neskončil špatně. špatné můžou být jen následky.


XI. I love nights

26. února 2016 v 23:24
Or late evenings. It is my absolute favourite part of the day, I'm pretty sure. You can do so many things, freely, plan your time, waste your time, enjoy and value your time.. just how you wish. I love doing things just how I wish.
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Image de Buddha, haruki murakami, and life

Definitely. Today I enjoy spending time on my own. I didn't get much sleep last night so I am just kinda recharging, but I also found some time to
•watch a documentary on North Corea - i am strangely fascinated by this country. i think about how it manages to function and the advantages that it actually has (no i am not promoting it, but we all know and are taught that it's bad, so here's some less mainstream thought). People living in there and sharing their views actually seemed to cherish what they have.. I know, it can be just well played or said because of fear - i would understand that - but it came out really genuine and I was surprised by that. However, this doesn't change the fact that the society there is hugely manipulated (but if we're looking at it from this point of view, we must admit that we are, to some extent, as well)
•watch a movie called Ex Machina - and it totally made my mind blow. It's just so strange, unnatural, yet so close, these technologies that will create humanlike beings. I am kind of scared of that, not because of a popular scenario "they will take on the world" but just because we're here doing what no one did before and what we couldn't even have imagined ten years ago. it is scary and very challenging, it brings an enormous responsibility and many ethic and moral issues. It will be really difficult to handle, if not impossible. Let's just hope we won't mess it up as it happened with other human inventions..

so that's on spending time alone.

But I also spend time with people, don't worry. I have some good friends that can keep and understand the silence. Don't you just love when you don't have to say anything and you can just enjoy the presence of the other person?
I do. Moments spent in silence gave me more than all the words we have spoken. Because you can't have those moments with anyone. That's how you know that you match, I guess :)
have a great evening and all!

X. Who will be the first to let go.

24. února 2016 v 22:43
poslední věc ti napíšu a to je:
že my dva nemáme budoucnost. vím to. nechci si to přiznat. někde to ještě pořád vidím. ty jdeš domů a jedna z prvních věcí, na které myslíš, je, že mi povíš, jaký jsi měl den. co se ti honí hlavou, cokoli. já si zapínám fb v podstatě jen pro to, abych s tebou mohla být v kontaktu, protože jseš nejenom moje první myšlenka po příchodu domů, ale moje první myšlenka vůbec. a poslední, a všechno mezi tím. to špatné na tom je, že nepřeháním.
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IX. Things I do for myself only

21. února 2016 v 16:49
Dammit, včera jsem zapomněla napsat článek. A vzpomněla jsem si někdy po půlnoci, takže by se to stejně nedalo počítat. A kdo to tu vůbec počítá..
blurred cities are my favourite kind..
a tohle mi většinu nocí svítí nad hlavou.
So. I am pretty sure we all can think of at least one thing that we do just for the sake of it. Not to say that we can do it, not to impress, not to show off. Something we just secretly love doing, something we find so much joy in that we don't even need any more rewards and profits.

learning languages
That is definitely one of my biggest passions. I just kind of love everything that has something to do with foreig languages. The very process of learning something new. How new words get into your head and you are suddenly able to use them in real converstations. English is obviously not my first language, not even second, but I do my best to use it properly. It's been little bit overshadowed by French for about six years and unfortunately it is noticeable in the way I write. But I don't give up and hope the point is still clear.
Sometimes, it's because I like the culture, sometimes it's just the sound of the language that gives me the first impulse.
Kolik jazyků umíš, tolikrát jsi člověkem.

music, especially singing
Oh sure I wouldn't mind to be a pop-star (or more likely acoustic-songwriting star), but I enjoy doing music that is not heard as well. It's such a good filter for all of the things and emotions I keep inside. First, it's a great way to express yourself, when words aren't enough and then, I gives you relief. At least it does to me.

dancing around
Quite a long time I was in a dancing group, but didn't like it very much. I enjoyed dancing itself, but the atmosphere during dance classes wasn't at all agreeable. Instructors often told us that we don't perform well enough and that was just demotivating. For this reason they also made just very simple choreographies for us that weren't much creative or expressing. I started to realize that I don't like it this way and quit the group.
But I love dancing so much. It's the main reason why I go to parties or clubs - because there will be a good music and plenty of people to dance with. Dancing with someone is a great icebreaker. I just feel myself when I dance. I am suddenly not that shy (and it's not because of alcohol), it's like I found my place. We don't jugde each other while dancing, we don't have time for that for being all lost in our own worlds. I find that really magical. When I want to get to know someone closer, I invite him to a dance party. So far I feel like it works.

writing my head/hands/soul out
I think I don't have to tell you how important is all this writing thing to me. Sure, I could've kept my thoughts in my head, but I like them more when they're put well together in front of me. I find some strange connection with people that have the similar taste for words. The ones who make the conversation flow no matter what it's about and understand all of my shortcuts, invented expressions.. and even sometimes complete them, untill we have our own language that is not distinctive only for me or them, but for us.

reading
Maybe it shouldn't even be on this list. Maybe everyone sees it this way. Reading for pleasure, for enjoyment, that's my favourite reading. I love books that don't necessarily have a clear storyline but instead just captivate you with their words..

Okay, I think I should get back to "work". Have a nice Sunday and enjoy your little pleasures, too!

VIII. I want to learn Greek

19. února 2016 v 18:52
Jsem nemocná, tak mám čas na přemýšlení a začínání desítek kreativních činností. Nebo spíš mám konečně výmluvu, že dělám víc kreativních činností než povinností.

Dneska jsem se musela podepsat na dost důležitý dokumenty. Oba podpisy byly naprosto odlišné. Babička, co tam byla se mnou, to okomentovala slovy "vypadá to, jako kdyby se tu podepsali dva různí lidé". "já jsem dva různí lidé," napadlo mě na to.

Pak jsme si skočily na oběd do Colossea. A já miluju autentické italské restaurace, bylo to tam strašně dobré a milé. Vrátila jsem se na jednu hodinu do školy (protože máme k sežrání dějepisáře, ale pšššt). a pak svou prochladlou hlavu ještě chvíli provětrala na procházce s kamarádkou.
Image de ocean, sea, and summer
K tomu Řecku. Možná jsem se trochu nechala unést jednou knihou. V té části, kam jsem totiž zatím dočetla, cestují hlavní postavy zrovna do Řecka, na jeden malý turisty nezahlcený ostrov. A ta kultura je tam popsaná fakt živě. Večery v taverně u přístavy, vysoké vlny na osamělé pláži, žár posledních srpnových dnů. V kontrastu se současnou zamračenou a utlumenou oblouhou, kde většinou nejsou ani hvězdy, ani barvy, mi to připadá jako sen. Sen, který bych si jednou chtěla splnit. A zrovna tato země má obdivuhodně dlouhou historii a pevné základy. Ta dnešní situace není ideální, ale neumím si představit, že by se řecká kultura někdy jen tak vytratila. Zkrátka mě docela začala zajímat. Tak jen čekám, až se spustí ten online kurz na řečtinu, že bych se jí vážně aspoň trochu přiučila. A pak tam jela na dovolenou. A možná, jen možná.. bych tam i zůstala.
Přijde mi, že nejhezčí věci v životě jsou nečekané. Možná z toho plyne, že to nejhezčí vás potká, když vůbec nic neočekáváte.
Jo a ta kniha se jmenuje Sputnik, má láska a myslím, že máloco se mi mohlo líp strefit do momentálního rozpoložení.*

VII. Safe

18. února 2016 v 22:09
Tbh with you, I don't have the slightest idea what I am going to write about.
Image de book, reading, and Dream
that's how I picture a perfectly spent time. Lately. I' ve been doing nothing and I really don't mind it, it just doesn't look good in motivation letters.

I would like to share more but it's difficult because sharing is a matter of finding the right person in the first place.

Yes.

I still just feel like going out together and talking quietly without even looking too much at each other.

But what happened, happened.

why safe?

I am not sure how this all will go. But I feel protected, in some strange way and I know I will find the strength again once I'll really feel like, too, but not any earlier, which is so good to know.
in other words, I will take my time to recover from you, first.

VI. I won't, I won't

17. února 2016 v 22:03
Here's what I won't do. I won't send this to you because it wouldn't help you. or us.

and you know, one day i just decided that i want to see you happy.
with me or without.

a někdy
až budeme oba ok
bych tě šla obejmout
nebo si aspoň ve sdíleným tichu
opřít záda o nějakou zeď a mluvit
jakoby pro nás dva žádná jiná zeď neexistovala.

V. A reminder

16. února 2016 v 19:27
So here's basically what I've done for today:

Went to school. First two lessons moderately boring, the next two real nonsense... because I am tired today, I guess.

Then the last two lessons, we had English and went to a café near to my school instead of the classroom. And that was fine. I first wanted to order juice with vodka but then I got realistic and had a cacao :D Don't know what it is about the idea of drinking making you feel better. it won't happen in majority of cases, actually.

I got home, read a bit and had a nap. What an adventurous day, don't you agree.

'Cause I could have gotten to bed earlier last night.
I am so not over someone. I mean, how could I be, when
the last time we spoke was yesterday. Just telling each other that we're sorry
it was a week ago that we made clear we can't make it with one us in love and other not
about a month ago that we spent all evening talking just like close friends (that we used to be) do
three months ago that we
ok, stop it.
Image de mountains, coffee, and nature
Why this is call a reminder... well, I feel as I've been floating around lately, ignoring time that doesn't stop just because I refused to notice it.
I am actually in the last year of my high school.. there are exams to do. There are universities to submit admissions to. About four moths of summer holidays to organize. And a driving licence that I should finally get done 'till summer.

wish me luck.*

IV. Wounds

15. února 2016 v 21:41
Where should I start today.
I hate when I get this impression of nonsense, because either there is no way back or it is really difficult.
I wanted to write about questions. About the fact that maybe there is some connection between how happy and fulfilled you think your life is and the frequency of asking them. Simply put, if you can't handle your life, you will struggle with it every day. I mean EVERY day.
What's the point of all that?
Why do I seem like the only one to wonder about it?
How can people just live their life from one day to other without stopping and asking themselves: "What's that all for?"

Because they say love is the main motivation.
And I believe it. It's one of the few things that I keep believing and would fight for it. It is. Remember, when you do certain things? You consider in your mind how your family or loved one will be proud of you for doing it. Maybe it is gonna make them feel better. Or you do it simply for yourself - which I admire - but it's still a matter of love. Love for yourself, not any less important than love for someone else.

I guess I won't come back (too much) to how much I miss the sense of love in my life.. because this time it starts to even look optimistic and I don't want to ruin it.

the current situation
of my motivation
considering it's based on love
it that
i am hurt by the absence of it
from the one I can't have
and what's even worse
I fail to find within myself
(maybe it's just under the chaos of last years... yeah)
Just a quote, wouldn't recommend it to anybody, wounds will heal and you will try another time*

III. Inner me

14. února 2016 v 16:52
I decided to try to drop a line every day. Let's see how it goes.

Image de sad
Those three things make me. at this moment only, I hope. But this 'moment' starts to seem like it doesn't have an end.
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I am actually suffering from depression. Better to say it right away so next time you'll understand why I am going crazy about stuff others barely notice. If I knew what to do about it, I would. I don't have much strength, to be honest. I leave things incomplete, on the halfway, and never come back to them. I am that kind of a person that smiles on the outside and cries on the inside. That sometimes just hates herself for no special reason. That's a really great problem, in my opinion.

Cause sometimes I am really ok and people even ask me how do I stay so happy. it just appears. Sometimes out of the blue, sometimes when I am in love.
And now I am in love and sad.
That kind of sad which feels like hollow.
There's nothing on the surface.
And so much underneath.

should we keep :) then?