LIX. Dangerous to be

22. září 2016 v 18:23
It has gotten to a very bad point. I am asking myself how much I can take, and also how can I keep faking smiles if kept crying inside for the last three days. I feel really bad. I cannot produce any consistent peace of writing because I am looking for a relief. And it doesn't come. Nice words of my boyfriend don't mean much; sooner or later, he will leave and I will find myself in this absurd battle again. He tells me he wants me to feel better, and I want so to, of course. But I've tried a lot and for few hours of my efforts there is one moment of thoughts covered in bad which just brings everything back. I know I make mistakes. But everyone makes them, gosh, and they still don't spend their evenings crying around and trying to calm themselves down. So I should have probably done this and that and think more before acting or deciding. But my thoughts are my problems, my struggles. They are flying around - I cannot catch them. They are disorganised, distracted, and sometimes scarily disconnected and detached from myself and from one another. That's why I don't read. That's why I don't write about stuff anymore. That's why it takes me seconds and minutes - looking for names, dates, ideas - to continue a discussion about anything I used to be so interested about - history, politics, religion, ethics... Still, I can feel it there, but I don't even spend two minutes of this life to recall the memory/feeling completely. It's just too bothering, tiring, and it hurts sometimes.
...
So
I've got a life to keep up with- theatres to go, jobs to take, maybe some kids to raise (maybe not)
I've made it through this day, that's what important. Actually I don't have any choice in that but that's important, too
I can go stress out, tell people, or take antidepressants.
But for now, I don't know.
Image de girl and photography
 

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