LXV. Oh I miss my heart, oh I miss it so

17. října 2016 v 12:15
Just all those medical terms running through my head : anhedonia, depression, dysthymia, MDD and so on. Normally, people don't even know what most of that means. I kinda feel most of that every day. Which is ironic because anhedonia or emotional flatlining really means that you cannot feel anything. I used to be mad at myself for being too emotional but compared to this, it was a hundred times better option.
This way, when nothing's appealing and I cannot even feel love anymore, I get really scared by other people's feelings. Because they have them and they send them to me. I, as a receiver, am probably supposed to react. Well, I don't.

"I love you."
" "

"What is important to you?"
" "

"How are you feeling right now?"
" "

"Can you tell me what you feel?"
" "

"You're only thinking about yourself."
" "

"Are you okay?" (well, this one is an exception because I know the answer)
"No."
"No?"
" "

Image de girl, sad, and tumblr

"What's wrong with you, how could you forget?"
"I am sorry, I am just very tired, there's a lot to do in school." (lies and more lies. make up on my wounds)

I put make-up on, I leave the house. I meet my friends and do my best not to talk about the end. The border that I crossed without anyone noticing and the one that marks this new me, this empty me. I would love to love you, I can't.

I am sorry. It's no fun, trust me. The only thing that I pretend about all this is that nothing happened to me. Not the opposite.

goodness, the best words in this world just made me want to cry.
 

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