LXXX. Yeah, I feel so lonely.

11. prosince 2016 v 23:04
With my boyfriend not giving a damn about me for such a long time and everybody else busy with their lives. I just realized that I cannot replace him with anyone anyway. And I really tried, since I found out what kind of a hard time I'm going to have with all my options disappearing. I mean, I cannot hide in his arms anymore, I can't tell him what's going on, I can't try and make him laugh, we can't sit together on some rooftops - probably no.

Coldest winter for me
No sun is shining anymore
The only thing I feel is pain
Caused by absence of you

Yeah, I know how all of this does probably sound. Once I lost it, I started thinking back and regretting. Maybe this is exactly what is happening. Maybe I am just not mature enough to maintain a relationship. Maybe it was a choice - if I take care of myself, I have to lose you. If I try and build something meaningful out of what we have/had - I'd not be able to work on myself. I still don't know.
Image de couple, hands, and hug
So I tried to have some kind of productive weekend where I would concentrate on my school work. I managed to do some but I also managed to watch a couple movies, waste a lot of time, completely empty my batteries (introvert thing) on the EA Conference... I really had a lot that day. Just listening to people for 12 hours really empties you mind. At the end of the day I had no words to say that would still make sense to me. I was just really drained and wanted to go to bed.

Today I woke up not knowing what to do with myself - and I felt the depression trying to make it's way despite the meds. Sometimes I just stop and think - this is so unfair, I'm taking this and it should help, but sometimes it's just not enough. And obviously I also realized that I have to make some moves in my life on my own, that I cannot rely on the pills to make the change. They enable me to get up and maybe rethink my life - but that's about it. If I am going to sit on my ass, the only change that is going to happen is that I would be able to really sense how desperate that feels, instead of being numb and not able to acknowledge anything. So I remembered my problems with anhedonia and that got me thinking that again, I am so sorry for myself , that I got rid of it at this time of my life where I am just wrecking everything up. No, that would be irrational and kinda stupid. I am grateful for things that I can feel, even if it's not necessary the most pleasant and desirable feeling.

So yeah - I've got a lot of mess to clean. I've probably hurt certain people a lot. But I am here to make a change about that - learning how not to escape everytime something gets rough again.

I've got my driving licence, yayyy, incredible! Precisely I am going to pick it up tomorrow. This made me so happy, really. It was my 5th attempt already so my nerves were kinda wrecked. But everybody was so kind to me so didn't make any of those stupid mistakes from previous times. Now I'll just have to practice as much as I can.

Okay, I think I reflected on most of the things that were occupying my mind. *
 

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