Červenec 2017

CVIII. Can't tell you I'm dying

31. července 2017 v 14:36
We're making love, listening to Lana del Rey afterwards. The life as I imagined it. With eyes in love and the belief that our bodies are tied together as our souls were a long time ago. You're my purest, I'm so happy I'm drunk.

-cut-

Opening the door to you with a girl that I can only refer to as a psychotic whore (ironic, me being psychotic, too). So I look at you, making up my mind. Should I ask? Should I ignore? Will you come to me, with an explanation, will you come to me at all?

"Ice queen," you said. Well, frozen feelings have one benefit - they can't be hurt. I knew that too well while looking at you and realizing I want to meet my limits only to spend time with you.
Image de skam, isak, and even
I don't know what it is - I know it's getting weaker, since you're being a terrible person now to me, too. I could stay while you were talking to me about your family and the bad things that you said or that have happened. I could lay wrapped in your arms, telling you that you are a terrible person, half seriously only. I knew you weren't like that to me.

Until you didn't come to check on me when I didn't show up downstairs because of a rush of anxiety that I dealt with almost in tears. When I came to look for you, you didn't show a sign of seeing me or being interested in asking me whatsoever. Drunk, maybe stoned already, I don't care. Please do overflow with love, hug and kiss me awkwardly, make dirty suggestions to me, I can handle that. Ignore me and that's it. I am growing away, back to eating disorders, new crushes, cats.

Did we end up before we began? Sure not. It took you about three months to first kiss me, twice that time to take it all the way. Never have I ever thought that I could be as comfortable with someone's body laying on mine as I was with yours.

"drop your guard"
"I can't, honey, you'd shoot me right into my heart"

I was feeling alone in Berlin, I was feeling alone in Moscow, I don't want to feel alone in Prague anymore. You always come and make me feel so bubbly and alive as if I was the only girl you were ever supposed to love truly.

I thought about you while buying a dress, while trying on new underwear, while reading something that caught my interest. I hoped that you would show up to our wine parties, birthday parties and all kinds of occasions.

bref, I love(d) you.

CVII. Should have (an apology to mys)

2. července 2017 v 12:42
Oh my gosh, this idea of being a hoe, plus a hoe that's being lied to, just destroys me.

Piece after piece
I fall apart.

I love you but I can't (how many times have I said this?)
Please stop. You're breaking my ribs.

I can't. I can't. I can't. The anhedonia stepped away to make space for pure feelings - and those are killing me.

I can't. Can't focus on anything beyond that. Words said don't matter.
Image de flowers, art, and cup
Likely shouldn't have started in the first place.
Please, sorry.
.